I know that I need to write Benjamin’s one year letter, and Henry’s five year letter, but I just can’t bring myself to do it at the moment. There are too many other conflicting emotions swirling in my head for me to bring the concentration and sincerity to those letters.
Two years ago J was asked to be a conductor on a European band trip. He told me that it was a 10 day trip, 100% paid for. So, two years ago, before we had two kids, I agreed to J going on this trip. I’d semi forgotten about it in the mean time, and then it popped up again in January.
So, J and I start to prepare for this trip, and we came to discover that it does indeed cost us money. Only two meals a day are paid for – you are responsible for your own dinner…
Then J had to renew his passport (should have been a given, but I didn’t think about it at the time).
The night before he left, he dropped a bomb that he need a check for $125 (he knew this for a few days, but “forgot” to tell me).
Beyond paying for a trip that we don’t have the money for (literally, we have no extra money right now and are having to skrimp and pinch pennies so he can go), the thing that really bothers me is that I found out it wasn’t a 10 day trip about 6 weeks ago. J never told me, I don’t think he had the balls for it. Instead, he just put the days into the calendar, and left it at that. I discovered how many days the trip was when I went to the calendar and was counting up the days, because it looked wrong to me. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he put the information in our shared calendar, and doesn’t feel like he was deceptive. I call bullshit.
This went from a 10 day trip, to an 18 day trip. 8 more fucking days that just appeared out of nowhere. He left at 6:00 am on June 23 (Henry’s birthday), and comes back on the middle of the night on July 10.
I feel deceived and lied to. I feel like my husband didn’t have the balls to tell me that the initial information he received was wrong and the trip was a lot longer than either of us anticipated. He didn’t have the courage to tell me that this is going to cost us hundreds of dollars. Every bit of misinformation that came up, he waited until the very last minute to tell me about for fear of my reaction. This all makes me sound like I’m an angry shrewish bitch, but I’m really not. I just want to know all the facts upfront so I can prepare myself, and our bank account.
Anothe thing that really bothers me is that he keeps calling this a “work trip.” This trip has nothing to do with work. “Work” implies that he’s getting paid for it, because you know…work. Instead he’s a glorified chaperone, on a European trip. Yes, he has some responsibilities while over there, keeping track of a few 17 year olds, and managing instruments, and conducting 2 pieces on a concert every so often. But, that’s about it. He’s a fucking chaperone.
This whole trip grates on my nerves. Everything about it now makes me angry. I wish he would have told me things as they came in. I wish that he would have showed that he was as upset with these changes as I was. That way we could have commiserated about this fucking trip together, instead of me being angry and hurt, and him excited to leave his family for nearly 3 weeks.
So, now I’m having to learn to do everything myself, when I’m used to having a partner. I have little help, and all the responsibility, while he’s off exploring 8-10 countries. There are at least 6 times a day when I want to cry. And, on top of everything, I’m not sleeping at night. I’m having a lot of time to think about how upset I am. I almost want to unfollow him on snapchat so that I don’t have to look at him having a great time, while I’m struggling to put dinner on the table at home.