Europe Trip From Hell

I know that I need to write Benjamin’s one year letter, and Henry’s five year letter, but I just can’t bring myself to do it at the moment.  There are too many other conflicting emotions swirling in my head for me to bring the concentration and sincerity to those letters.

Two years ago J was asked to be a conductor on a European band trip.  He told me that it was a 10 day trip, 100% paid for.  So, two years ago, before we had two kids, I agreed to J going on this trip.  I’d semi forgotten about it in the mean time, and then it popped up again in January.
So, J and I start to prepare for this trip, and we came to discover that it does indeed cost us money.  Only two meals a day are paid for – you are responsible for your own dinner…
Then J had to renew his passport (should have been a given, but I didn’t think about it at the time).
The night before he left, he dropped a bomb that he need a check for $125 (he knew this for a few days, but “forgot” to tell me).
Beyond paying for a trip that we don’t have the money for (literally, we have no extra money right now and are having to skrimp and pinch pennies so he can go), the thing that really bothers me is that I found out it wasn’t a 10 day trip about 6 weeks ago.  J never told me, I don’t think he had the balls for it.  Instead, he just put the days into the calendar, and left it at that.  I discovered how many days the trip was when I went to the calendar and was counting up the days, because it looked wrong to me.  When I confronted him about it, he told me that he put the information in our shared calendar, and doesn’t feel like he was deceptive.  I call bullshit.
This went from a 10 day trip, to an 18 day trip.  8 more fucking days that just appeared out of nowhere.  He left at 6:00 am on June 23 (Henry’s birthday), and comes back on the middle of the night on July 10.
I feel deceived and lied to.  I feel like my husband didn’t have the balls to tell me that the initial information he received was wrong and the trip was a lot longer than either of us anticipated.  He didn’t have the courage to tell me that this is going to cost us hundreds of dollars.  Every bit of misinformation that came up, he waited until the very last minute to tell me about for fear of my reaction.  This all makes me sound like I’m an angry shrewish bitch, but I’m really not.  I just want to know all the facts upfront so I can prepare myself, and our bank account.
Anothe thing that really bothers me is that he keeps calling this a “work trip.”  This trip has nothing to do with work.  “Work” implies that he’s getting paid for it,  because you know…work.  Instead he’s a glorified chaperone, on a European trip.  Yes, he has some responsibilities while over there, keeping track of a few 17 year olds, and managing instruments, and conducting 2 pieces on a concert every so often.  But, that’s about it.  He’s a fucking chaperone.
This whole trip grates on my nerves.  Everything about it now makes me angry.  I wish he would have told me things as they came in.  I wish that he would have showed that he was as upset with these changes as I was.  That way we could have commiserated about this fucking trip together, instead of me being angry and hurt, and him excited to leave his family for nearly 3 weeks.
So, now I’m having to learn to do everything myself, when I’m used to having a partner.  I have little help, and all the responsibility, while he’s off exploring 8-10 countries.  There are at least 6 times a day when I want to cry.  And, on top of everything, I’m not sleeping at night.  I’m having a lot of time to think about how upset I am.  I almost want to unfollow him on snapchat so that I don’t have to look at him having a great time, while I’m struggling to put dinner on the table at home.

Breastfeeding Judgement

Over Memorial Day weekend, we went to my in-laws for dinner and to hang out with family.  Our original plan was to hang out there during the day and then for the boys to spend the night there, and for J and I to have some nice adult time together that evening.

In all of our haste to get out the door on time, we forgot to pack the cooler of breast milk for Benjamin.  So, J ended up driving 45 minutes home to pack it up, and then driving 45 minutes back to his parent’s house.  When we realized we forgot it, several people tried to tell us that Benjamin didn’t need it, and we shouldn’t worry about.  J and I ignored those comments, and J headed home to get the milk.

During the time that he was gone I was asked by 5 different people (mother-in-law, father-in-law, paternal grandfather and grandmother in-law, maternal grandmother-in-law) how long I was going to breastfeed Benjamin.  Each time, I gave the same answer: “well, I nursed Henry until he was two, so I think I’ll try to do the same thing for Ben.”  Each time I’d get a “harrumph” in response.

A little while later, while J was still gone, I overheard my FIL, and GFIL talking about how it’s wrong of me to continue to breastfeed my son this long.  That it’s gross, that I should get over myself and just stop.  That I’m doing it more for me than for my son.   They even went so far to say that I was having a “junior moment,” whatever that means.  Best I can tell, I think they meant that my arrogance and shortsightedness are getting in the way of me seeing what the “right” choice is.  They were talking about me and my choices across the table from me, and never once thought to include me in the discussion.  I knew that if I piped in, that it would only end up in an argument.  But as I sat there, feeling ostracized and judged, I seriously thought about packing both my boys up and leaving.  If J and the car had been there, I might have.

I comprehend that they don’t understand my choice, but they damn well should respect it, and me.  I don’t understand why they can’t see how well Henry is doing, and how healthy and strong he is.  I’m not saying it’s all from breastfeeding, but I think it played a part.  Why can’t they see how well Benjamin is doing, and factor the same things in?  Why can’t they do a modicum of research to see that breastfeeding can make a difference in Crohn’s Disease, which runs rampant on that side of my family.  Why do they continue to judge me and find my decisions lacking?