I feel so unmotivated. Mostly because even when I do stick to my workout goals and calorie restriction, it doesn’t do any good.
I didn’t post a Weekly Weigh-In Thursday last week because I gained weight. And, I was so upset and felt defeated that I couldn’t even bring myself to record it. I still feel defeated. I need to come up with a fitness plan, and meal plan that fits my life, and I’m STRUGGLING with that.
I hate the weight I am right now. I feel ugly, fat and uncomfortable in my own skin. I hate looking at pictures of myself because I think I look like a blob, a blob with 3 chins. I don’t want to take pictures with my kids/husband because they always show (incredibly accurately) how fat I am.
As a working mother of two, I do not have time to exercise more than 3-4 times a week. But, all of the fitness programs that I like are 6 day a week programs(T25, Insanity, Piyo). So, when I fall behind because I literally got less than 3 hours of sleep, or had to take my baby to the emergency room, or have a 4 year old who’s crying because he wants me to spend time with him and not go upstairs to uselessly jump around, I feel guilty for missing those stupid workouts. I feel like a failure, because I should be able to devote 30 minutes a day to me, but it doesn’t ever happen. In my household, I always come last.
And on top of that breastfeeding makes me HUNGRY! I want to continually stuff my face because I feel like I’m starving. I’m not, but I feel like I am. So, when we have leftover cupcakes from baking for Henry’s class, I eat them, and then want to cry because I stuffed my face once again. Showing once again just how much of a failure I am.
I feel defeated. I feel ugly. I feel fat. And, I don’t know how to fix it.