Testing, Testing 1 2 3

I know it’s been a really long time since I’ve posted anything, and I’m not even sure if anyone is reading this anymore.  I needed a break from the whole blogging thing.  

When I lost my job, and was suddenly thrown into the world of being a stay-at-home-mom, I found it really difficult to get to a computer and write down everything that I was feeling.  When Henry was awake, I was playing with him.  I was grocery shopping, clipping coupons, baking bread and more.  When Henry was asleep or napping or playing quietly, I was voraciously looking for jobs and applying to as many as I could find.  Which meant that any free moment I had, I didn’t want to spend it on the computer because then I’d feel guilty that I wasn’t trying harder to find a job…  

Then, in November, I got hired as a Teacher Assistant at a local elementary school.  I was working in Kindergarten, and things were pretty great for a while.  I loved my new hours (7:30 to 3:15), but it was a huge cut in pay (I was suddenly making over 1/3 less of what I was before).  

Right after the new job, came the new year, I started working out, started spending more time with Henry and J, and just generally feeling happier.  I’ve thought a lot over the past few months that I missed blogging, but somehow I never made it to the computer to write anything down.  

Now that the summer’s here, I’ve basically been chilling with J and Henry, and it’s been awesome, except for one major detail.  My school wants me to start driving a bus route in the morning and afternoon everyday of the school year.  I hate driving a bus.  I feel anxious and nervous any time that I’ve had to get behind the wheel.  The thought of it makes me want to throw up.  I’ve been trying to find another job over the summer, but I’m not having any luck.  I’m not sure what I’m going to do when the school year starts and I don’t have anything else lined up.  I really don’t think I have it in me to drive a bus, but my family can’t afford for me to not work…..I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it….

So, I think I’m all caught up.

I want to start this blog back up, but I’m not sure how often I’ll be able to post anything.  I’m hoping for once, preferably twice a week.  I’m also really hoping that you all are still reading, if you are, thanks for sticking with me.

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Closing the Door on Nursing

Dear Henry,

This past Monday, July 7, was the last time that you nursed.  Nursing you has been a truly magical time for me.  It has helped create a bond  between you and I that is so amazing and strong, and even while I write this, I’m having trouble putting into words how special it’s been.
 
I’ve nursed you in our home, in a car, at work, in doctor’s offices, at your day care, at a graduation ceremony, in the shower and in other people’s homes.  I’ve nursed you in private, and in front of others. 
 
We learned to nurse together.  It was difficult at times, and I needed a lot of help from professionals, but we got the ground work laid for you and I to be successful.  I learned to nurse you in a rocking chair (and that is probably still my favorite place we ever nursed).  I also learned to nurse you standing up, lying down, sitting, and any other position we needed to do.
 
I nursed you when I was sick, and when you were sick.  I nursed you when you were upset and when I was upset and it always helped to calm both of us. 
 
For the first year of your life I nursed you on demand, whenever and wherever you wanted it.  For the second year I nursed you first thing in the morning and last thing at night.  We got to snuggle and wake up together everyday for two years, and relax and end our day together too.  I will always cherish those snuggle moments with you.  You fell asleep nursing for two years, and many of those nights I fell asleep while nursing you too.  Your Dad would have to come in and wake me up so I could lay you in your crib and then go and snuggle with him.  
 
I’ve made you laugh a lot while nursing.  There’s nothing sweeter that watching you laugh and giggle and smile with a mouthful of boob.  And, in turn you’ve made me laugh a lot too.  
 
You taught me how to be selfless and to aways do what we needed to do, no matter what other people thought about it.  I’m proud of you, and I’m also proud of me.  It’s been a long, and somehow at the same time, a very short road, but after two years it’s time to be done.
 
I have so many mixed emotions about ending our nursing time together.  I’m sad, relieved, anxious, happy and nervous for this time to be over.  I’ll be honest and tell you that I have no idea how to parent you without nursing you.  It was the one constant in our relationship that fixed anything and everything.  When you were sad, scared, upset, hurt, overtired, happy, excited or just wanted some extra snuggles, all I would have to do was nurse you.  I’m hopeful though, that we have the foundation to keep going on the right track without without this added benefit.
 
These last few days have been really hard for me.  You’ve been asking to nurse, and it breaks my heart to tell you no.  But, I think it’s for the best.  It’s time to stop.  I only hope that you’ll understand why we’re stopping and that it won’t be too traumatic for you (or for me).
 
Thank you Henry for giving me this time together with you.  Thank you for all of the cuddles, all of the snuggles, all the laughs and giggles.  Thank you for the times you fell asleep in my arms, nestled up against me.  Thank you for all of the wonderful memories of nursing you.  All of the times where you fell asleep and dribbles of milk would run down your chin.  All of the times you would wave at me, and give me high fives and fist bumps while nursing.  Thank you for making those sweet little nursing noises that make my heart melt.
 
Thank you for helping me find myself, about teaching me how wonderful and capable my body is.  Thank you for helping me find the confidence and will to do what I think is right.
 
Thank you for being my sweet boy.
 
I love you, keep growing.
 
Mom