Finding the Perfect Job

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it is I’m meant to do in life. I’m almost 30, and I’m still struggling with this question. The thing is that I really don’t know what I want to do. I hate what I’m currently doing. It’s not that the job itself is so bad, but the environment is awful, and on top of that I feel that I’m working 9+ hours a day to make someone else’s dream come true, and doing nothing to further my own.

The thing is that I don’t know what I want out of life. Whatever I do, I’d like it to be in an industry where I can feel like I’m helping people and/or my community and generally just making a difference. I don’t really care about the money aspect. I never have. As long as I can afford to pay my bills and go out every once in a while I’ll be happy. I’ve applied to countless nonprofits for jobs and I never hear back. I’ve applied to the school systems and have been close to getting hired a few times, but haven’t found anything there either.

I’ve toyed with being a Stay-At-Home-Mom. But, we can’t afford it. Even if we had all of our debt paid off, we still could never just live off of J’s income – it’s just not possible on what a NC school teacher makes. So, I’m stuck in what I’m doing. Trying to figure what kind of work will make me happy in my adult life.

I suppose another clincher is that I’m not really interested in going back to school for anything. I’d have to work full time while I went to school and while that would be doable (stressful, but doable) I would never get any quality time with my family the whole time I was studying. And, I’m not willing to sacrifice being with my family for a career choice that may or may not pan out. It might be different if I knew that X degree would make me happy and help me get to my dream job. But, I can justify the money and time when I can’t say what that dream job would be.

I can’t even fall back on the degree that I do have, which is a BA in History. I should never have earned a History degree. It has proved me useless and every month when I make my student loan payment it makes me mad/angry/upset/stressed that I’m paying for something it hasn’t been worth while at all. Even while in college I didn’t know what I wanted to do, so I picked a course of study that was interesting to me and followed it. At the time, I was hopeful that people would see that a degree in History means that I’m a thorough researcher, that I had mostly ALL reading, writing and speaking intensive courses and therefore could conduct myself well in any type of job that I landed. But, people just see a degree in History as superfluous and fluff.

I find myself being so incredibly envious of people who have a job/career that they love. Where they’re happy to go to work everyday, or even most days. I look at them and wonder what I did wrong, what path should I have taken differently, and how can I fix the path that I’m on so that I can be like them. But, it all still comes down to the fact that I don’t know what I want to do. And, until I figure that out, I’ll always be stuck.


2 thoughts on “Finding the Perfect Job

  1. You’re not alone. My education is in Writing and Publishing (Print Publishing), an industry that by the time I entered university was already on the decline. I followed my passion and some may say that was a good decision – but now with a young family and still working as a waitress at almost 28 … it is a thorn in my side, emotionally. Every day. I know I have to retrain myself through education but as what? And how? Some days it feels impossible. I’ve had my year with Jonah and now I have to go back to work in order for my husband and I to make our bills. However, the idea that I’ll be going back to serving tables as an educated and young new mom makes me sick. You are so very much not alone. Take heart, because I truly believe that both you and I will find our path in life, though it may take time.

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