I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it is I’m meant to do in life. I’m almost 30, and I’m still struggling with this question. The thing is that I really don’t know what I want to do. I hate what I’m currently doing. It’s not that the job itself is so bad, but the environment is awful, and on top of that I feel that I’m working 9+ hours a day to make someone else’s dream come true, and doing nothing to further my own.
The thing is that I don’t know what I want out of life. Whatever I do, I’d like it to be in an industry where I can feel like I’m helping people and/or my community and generally just making a difference. I don’t really care about the money aspect. I never have. As long as I can afford to pay my bills and go out every once in a while I’ll be happy. I’ve applied to countless nonprofits for jobs and I never hear back. I’ve applied to the school systems and have been close to getting hired a few times, but haven’t found anything there either.
I’ve toyed with being a Stay-At-Home-Mom. But, we can’t afford it. Even if we had all of our debt paid off, we still could never just live off of J’s income – it’s just not possible on what a NC school teacher makes. So, I’m stuck in what I’m doing. Trying to figure what kind of work will make me happy in my adult life.
I suppose another clincher is that I’m not really interested in going back to school for anything. I’d have to work full time while I went to school and while that would be doable (stressful, but doable) I would never get any quality time with my family the whole time I was studying. And, I’m not willing to sacrifice being with my family for a career choice that may or may not pan out. It might be different if I knew that X degree would make me happy and help me get to my dream job. But, I can justify the money and time when I can’t say what that dream job would be.
I can’t even fall back on the degree that I do have, which is a BA in History. I should never have earned a History degree. It has proved me useless and every month when I make my student loan payment it makes me mad/angry/upset/stressed that I’m paying for something it hasn’t been worth while at all. Even while in college I didn’t know what I wanted to do, so I picked a course of study that was interesting to me and followed it. At the time, I was hopeful that people would see that a degree in History means that I’m a thorough researcher, that I had mostly ALL reading, writing and speaking intensive courses and therefore could conduct myself well in any type of job that I landed. But, people just see a degree in History as superfluous and fluff.
I find myself being so incredibly envious of people who have a job/career that they love. Where they’re happy to go to work everyday, or even most days. I look at them and wonder what I did wrong, what path should I have taken differently, and how can I fix the path that I’m on so that I can be like them. But, it all still comes down to the fact that I don’t know what I want to do. And, until I figure that out, I’ll always be stuck.