Is It Time?

I pumped in my car today during my lunch break. I drove to a nearby mall and parked in an empty part of the parking lot and pumped.

It wasn’t horrible, however, I did feel very exposed, especially when I was hooking myself up to the pump and when I was finished with it.

While I was pumping I was coming to the realization that I’m not going to be able to do this for much longer. Probably, just long enough to reduce my supply so that I don’t become horribly engorged during the work day. And, this realization breaks my heart.

I love nursing Henry, and I know that I’m not giving up our morning and evening nursing sessions, I’ll still have those to cling to. One of this hardest things for me is that I’m really worried that I’ll never get to nurse another baby. I don’t think that J and I will ever be able to be in a financial situation where we can afford another baby. We’re paying off the debt that we do have, and in a few years we should be debt free (excluding our mortgage), but even still we won’t have the funds to pay two daycare costs, or for me to stay home with a baby. So, I’m clinging to this wonderful time that I have with Henry, for as long as I possibly can.

What’s more, is that Henry learned how to sign for milk, and he’ll sign it and then crawl his way over to my lap so that he can nurse. If I stop pumping during the day how in the world do I tell him no when he asks to nurse? That thought just breaks my heart, and I don’t know how either of us would handle that.

My heart is breaking, but I’m not sure what else to do but to stop pumping during the day and to start giving Henry my freezer stash and then cow’s milk….

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2 thoughts on “Is It Time?

  1. I hate that image of you in your car pumping. it makes me really sad and angry at your employer. like I am reading this as I am nursing my baby and feeling very sad for you. even though inner city was hard for me in the beginning I get the bond that it creates between you and your baby. I know that you are worried that you may not get to have another child and that may be true but you also never know what can happen in the future. of course it’s important to make the most of your current moment. the day that you finally stop nursing completely will definitely be bittersweet. I just hate that it’s because of your employer that you will have to slow down nursing. 😦 by the way why is pumping so gross? I hate the way my nipples look right after I pump. do you get that horrible top hat shape?

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