I don’t know what’s wrong with me today, but I just feel worthless. Worthless and tired.
I’m spending so much time and energy on finding another job and it feels like all that effort is just wasted. Part of me wants to give up the job search. I’m worried that even if I’m offered another job I’m going to have keep turning them down because they don’t pay enough, or there are no benefits, or it’s too far away, or any other reason that I can’t currently think of. I feel extraordinarily stuck right now. I hate going to work every day. I hate that I have to spend 9+ hours here a day. I hate that I’m not a valued employee, and all of the work I do is not appreciated. I hate working in an environment where all employees are seen as disposable, undervalued and underpaid.
On top of everything that’s going on at work, my home life has also not been that great. I’ve been a single parent a lot lately. What I mean by that is that I’m the one that drops Henry off at daycare and picks him up every day. Then when we get home I have to juggle entertaining a baby while cooking dinner, washing bottles and pump parts and sippie cups, rinsing out diapers. Then Henry and I eat and then I put him to bed, and after that I have to finish any of the fore mentioned that didn’t get done before dinner. J has been really busy with everything going on for the end of the school year and has been working late nights, so everything on the home front falls on me.
I’ve had no down time for myself, nor time to do anything just for me. J keeps telling me that I can schedule time in for me to have some time off, but I can’t bring myself to do that because having to do EVERYTHING while your partner is out sucks, and I’d feel guilty if I was out having a drink with a friend and he was home washing bottles and diapers. That just doesn’t seem fair to me anyway that I look at it.
I’ve given up on trying to lose weight for the moment, and it feels like I’m slowly putting back on all the weight that I lost. But, it’s impossible for me to stay motivated in that fron when the rest of my life feels like it’s falling apart.
I really don’t know what to do. I hoping that I’ll start getting more interviews, and eventually a job offer. Hopefully there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I’m at that point right now that I can’t see it. And without it, I feel really lost.