Growing

We had a really good weekend hanging out as a family. I love weekends like that. Relaxing and fun, mixed in with a lot of cuddles and snuggles.

Henry was napping on J’s chest on Monday afternoon and we realized just how much he’s grown.

Exhibit A: this was Sunday, June 24, 2012. He was less than a day old.

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Exhibit B: I believe Henry is only a few weeks old, definitely less than a month.

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Exhibit C: on Monday, May 27, 2013.

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First Postpartum Period

So, it looks like my cycles have started back up….I went 19 months without having a period! And I really took that for granted…I was so not ready for this part of my life to return…

My first post postpartum period has been horrendous. I haven’t been in any real pain like i was pre-pregnancy, so that has been a nice change of pace. Instead, I had the heaviest period that I ever had in my life. The bleeding that I had after delivering Henry was nothing compared to this. I ended up having to use a tampon AND a pad because I’d bleed through the tampon in under an hour. Seriously, my bathroom looked like a murder scene. I’ve never experienced anything like that, and I hope that the next go ’round is no where near as bad.

I had two days of spotting, two days of fearing that I was going to bleed out, and now things have returned to a normal pace. I’ve read that after giving birth you periods can be completely different than they were before. So, your usual number of days and flow could change completely. I have no idea how long this is going to last, or what to expect from it.

Now that my cycles have resumed, I think that I’m going to start charting my cycles again and use that as a form of BC, as I can’t be on any kind of hormonal BC because of breast feeding.

I had seriously forgotten how much of an inconvenience a period is….

Month 11

Dear Henry,

My baby, you are now 11 months old! You’re growing and changing so much, becoming so independent, I’m in shock and awe at how much you’ve changed and developed since you were born just shy of a year ago. This has been a busy month for you, so there’s a lot to recap.

The biggest change from last month to this month is that you are now creeping! You do this army type crawl, where you drag yourself along on your forearms. It’s pretty darn cute to watch. It takes a lot of energy for you to move like that, so you wear out pretty quickly, shortly after you get going. But, it’s so wonderful to see your determination to get to a toy in front of you. Even though you move pretty slowly, you still get a hold of all manner of things that you shouldn’t. You love wires and plugs….and your dad and I have to keep running to grab you and move you back over to where it’s safe to play. We are going to be in for it, for sure, when you get actively mobile!

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I think you’re finally done with bottles. This week you started drinking your milk out of sippie cups instead of a bottle. Your daycare teacher said that it was a really easy transition for you, and you don’t seem to care what you drink out of as long as you have something to drink. I was honestly afraid to give you a sippie cup. I’m not sure why. I think a part of me was worried that once you had a cup you would lose interest in nursing. But, to my relief, that hasn’t been the case.

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I’m going to slowly starting to cut back on how much I’m pumping/ nursing you. For this next month, nursing will pretty much stay the same, but after you turn 1, we’re going to drop it down to just 3 times a day. In the morning when you wake up, after your afternoon nap, and at night before you go to bed.
As far as pumping goes, I’m cutting back a little so that I’ll only be coming home with 12 to 15 ounces a day, instead of the 18 to 20 I was doing. When you turn 1, I’ll only be pumping once a day (currently doing 3 times a day), until I can slowly stop that.
I’m actually really upset at the prospect of cutting back on nursing you. It has been a time that I love and enjoy. I cuddle you awake every morning while you nurse, and I cuddle you to sleep every night as well. It’s a time that I’ve tried really hard not to take for granted. It’s a very peaceful time with you, I sing and talk to you while you nurse. I rock you in the rocking chair in your room every morning and evening. And sometime, we both nap while you nurse. I love that snuggle time. It’s unlike any other time with you, and I will really miss it when it stops.

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You’re doing great with solid foods. You’re really ever only picky about breakfast, and most mornings you just kind of push it around on your tray. I think that may be because you nurse first thing in the morning and then 20 to 30 minutes later we put breakfast in front of you, and you’re not quite hungry yet. But lunch, snack and dinner all go great. You LOVE spicy food. Beans and vegetables remain your favorites, and really the only fruit you eat are apples and apple-like fruits (pears, peaches etc.). You love yogurt, your eyes light up with zeal every time you get a spoonful in your mouth. I think that the baby led weaning has been the reason that you’re so good about eating, and aren’t that picky of an eater. It’s causing you to have a really good relationship with food. You feed yourself (mostly), and you tell us when you don’t want anymore. We don’t force feed you, or make you eat more than you want. I won’t lie, some nights it seems like you don’t eat anything and it will worry me for about 30 seconds until I realize that other nights we can’t put enough food in front of you. So, I know that you’re getting what you need.

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You’re going to be starting physical therapy soon. I’m still waiting for the physical therapist to get in contact with me, and that should be anytime in the next two weeks. I’m excited at this prospect for you. As intuitive and attentive as you are, I think you’ll pick things up really quickly and you’ll meet all of the goals we’ve set out for you in just a matter of months (crawling, pulling up, cruising and walking).

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Your Aunt Bethany graduated from Law School two weeks ago and we went down to cheer her on. You were such a trooper during that long ceremony. You figured out fairly early on that the room would reverberate your squeals really well, so you spent a good deal of time testing your echoing skills – they’re top notch. You also would get excited when everyone was clapping and would clap along. You nursed about halfway through the ceremony, and then fell asleep before your Aunt was hooded and walked across the stage, but that’s ok, your Dad absolutely loves it when you nap on his chest/shoulder.
You had a lot of fun at her party as well. You hung out with your Gram, and Aunt and Uncle. You also met my cousins and their kids. You shoved slow pulled pork into your mouth and got beans and avocado all over you, but you really enjoyed the food at the party. Your Gram even fed you a cupcake which you shoved into your face as quickly as you could. It was really hilarious to watch.

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This month also marked my first Mother’s Day. Your dad handed you a wrapped box to hand to me, and you pretty much refused to hand it over to me. Instead you wanted to inspect the wrapping and taste it. But, once I did get it from you, the box contained a pearl pendant necklace. Pearl is your birthstone, and you probably know that I’m very into birthstones. My engagement ring is my birthstone, and I have pendant that’s your dad’s birthstone, and now I have one that’s yours as well. I’ve been wearing it constantly, and I think of you and smile every time I look down at it.

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Henry – I love you so much. I really, really do. I think you are beyond special. You have changed my life so much, and all for the better. Being your mom has been one of the best things I have ever done in my life. I hope that you know that I will always love you. I will always be there for you. I will always be proud of you. I’m trying very hard to have no, or at least very few expectations for you. All I want for you in life is for you to be happy, and I will support whatever you need to do to be happy. I hope that one day you’ll be able to understand just how deep my love is for you.

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I love you with all of my heart and every fiber of my being

-Mom

I don’t know what’s wrong with me today, but I just feel worthless.  Worthless and tired.

I’m spending so much time and energy on finding another job and it feels like all that effort is just wasted.  Part of me wants to give up the job search.  I’m worried that even if I’m offered another job I’m going to have keep turning them down because they don’t pay enough, or there are no benefits, or it’s too far away, or any other reason that I can’t currently think of.  I feel extraordinarily stuck right now.  I hate going to work every day.  I hate that I have to spend 9+ hours here a day.  I hate that I’m not a valued employee, and all of the work I do is not appreciated.  I hate working in an environment where all employees are seen as disposable, undervalued and underpaid.
On top of everything that’s going on at work, my home life has also not been that great.  I’ve been a single parent a lot lately.  What I mean by that is that I’m the one that drops Henry off at daycare and picks him up every day.  Then when we get home I have to juggle entertaining a baby while cooking dinner, washing bottles and pump parts and sippie cups, rinsing out diapers.  Then Henry and I eat and then I put him to bed, and after that I have to finish any of the fore mentioned that didn’t get done before dinner.  J has been really busy with everything going on for the end of the school year and has been working late nights, so everything on the home front falls on me.
I’ve had no down time for myself, nor time to do anything just for me.  J keeps telling me that I can schedule time in for me to have some time off, but I can’t bring myself to do that because having to do EVERYTHING while your partner is out sucks, and I’d feel guilty if I was out having a drink with a friend and he was home washing bottles and diapers.  That just doesn’t seem fair to me anyway that I look at it.

I’ve given up on trying to lose weight for the moment, and it feels like I’m slowly putting back on all the weight that I lost.  But, it’s impossible for me to stay motivated in that fron when the rest of my life feels like it’s falling apart.
I really don’t know what to do.  I hoping that I’ll start getting more interviews, and eventually a job offer.  Hopefully there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I’m at that point right now that I can’t see it.  And without it, I feel really lost.

Intuition?

I don’t know why, but earlier this week I had the sudden urge to get my suit dry cleaned and spruced up (the hem had fallen out on one of the pant legs).

Again, I don’t know why I got the urge to do this, bit I went with it. Hopefully, my intuition about something will be right and I’ll be needing that suit very soon.

Sick Baby

I know that I’ve been pretty quiet lately. Life has been pretty rough, and anytime that I sit down to write about it, I just feel like I’m complaining and can’t actually bring myself to post anything.

On that note, I’m home from work today because Henry is sick.

When I picked up Henry from daycare yesterday, this face greeted me

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Needless to say, I freaked out. There was green puss oozing from his eyes, and those beautiful blue eyes were swollen, and green snot pouring out of his nose, what mother wouldn’t freak out?

So, J and I tried to make a doctor appointment, but his Ped had gone home early and there was no one there to examine him, so to urgent care we went.

We waited for an hour and when we were finally seen, Henry was diagnosed with conjunctivitis (pinkeye) and another ear infection. He’s on an antibiotic, eye drops and drops for ear pain.

So, he and I have been playing and cuddling all day. I absolutely hate when he’s sick, but I do revel in all the extra cuddles, I mean, who wouldn’t? But despite all the extra cuddles I really hope he’s better soon, he looks so pitiful, and I’m sure he feels worse than he looks.