and I don’t mean the baby….
I’ve been working from home and taking care of a baby, and I can’t even begin to tell you how hard that is. The only time I can ever get anything accomplished is when he’s sleeping, and his nap schedule will range anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour and a half.
I’ve already had my boss pull me aside twice to tell me that I need to up my work schedule at home because I’m not pulling my weight enough. Each time that that’s happened, it’s made me want to scream and cry at the same time. If I up my work schedule that means that Henry is going to get less attention and care. If I give my time and energy to Henry, it means that my work is going to suffer. I can’t seem to be able to find a middle ground.
Yesterday, I was trying to put work first for a while, because there was quite a bit of work I needed to do. I was up and at my desk working at 7:30 am. From 7:30 to about 1:30, things were going well. Henry spent most of the morning napping, so I didn’t feel like I was being a bad mother while I focused on work instead of him.
Things were trudging along smoothly and I was looking forward to J being home earlier than he has been in about two weeks. School gets out at 3, and he had a meeting right after school and expected to be home around 4:30.
At roughly 2:00, Henry started crying…..and wouldn’t stop. I don’t know if it was because he didn’t get enough stimulation in the morning, or what, but he refused to let me put him down for longer than 15 minutes. He’s cry, I’d feed him, cuddle him, play with him, change his diaper and try to put him down, and as soon as he was put into his swing, or bassinet he’d cry. I’d plot the pacifier in his mouth, and he’d spit it out and cry even harder. I’d get him calm and try and put him down and the whole thing would start again.
At 3:30, he started screaming, and didn’t stop for an hour. I thought he was going to go hoarse from crying so hard and for so long. At 4:15, I started calling and texting J that I needed him to come home now, that I needed help and didn’t know what to do.
No answer. In the mean time, Henry kept screaming.
J didn’t get my texts or phone calls until 4:45 when he was heading home. By that time, Henry had screamed himself to sleep on my chest and I was holding him and trying not to have a nervous breakdown.
When J got home, he took Henry from me, and I collapsed on the bed and took a two hour nap. And for the rest of the night I was completely wiped out and could hardly form a sentence together.
I guess the whole moral of this story is that working from home is hard and I think I suck at it….and I have no idea how to do it better.