Grandfather

My father passed away when I was 18 from a car accident.  One moment he was there, and the next he was gone.  If you’ve ever lost someone close to you in your life, you know that you never truly recover from it.  The sadness never goes away and you will always have moments that make it feel as fresh and real as the day that it happened.  The best way I can think to describe this feeling would be that all of a sudden you have a gaping hole in your heart, and that hole never will never be filled; it will always be there for as long as you live.  I do know, that eventually you learn to live with that hole.

My father’s birthday is coming up in two weeks.  This is always a day that is filled with mixed emotions.  Happiness for all of the 18 years of wonderful memories that I had with my father.  Grief and sadness for all the memories that I have that don’t include him.  My father missed my high school graduation, my college graduation, my wedding, and now he’ll miss the birth of his first grandchild.  It goes without saying that I love my father, and I always will.

When I called to tell my mother that I was pregnant, before I hung up the phone she wanted to know what the child would call her current husband.  My mother married her second husband when I was 24.  He had nothing whatsoever to do with raising me, and I do not refer to him as a step parent.  And, while he is a very nice man, I don’t know him that well.  I do know, that I do not want my child to call him grandpa or grandfather or any variation of that name.  Despite the fact that my father has been gone for 8 years, almost 9, he will always be my child’s grandfather.  I guess that my dilemma is: how do I tell my mother my honest feelings without offending her and her husband?

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