Yesterday on facebook I shared an article from Scary Mommy about the reality of a working and breastfeeding mom and how that reality is at best difficult, and at worst fucking awful. It hit very close to home for me. I’ve worked full time with both of my boys and I’ve had to pump milk for both of them while I’ve been at work. Having to worry because you’re sitting next to doors that don’t lock and anyone could come and open it and see you pumping in a storage closet. It’s so hard for me to relax enough to get my milk to let down when I’m constantly hearing door knobs rattle, while I loudly shout “occupied!”
Anyway, back with my first kid, I had to drive 5 minutes down the road to another building to pump milk for my son. So, what should have taken my 30 minutes (set up, 20 minutes to pump, and break down), ended up taking closer to 45 because of traveling, and I had to do that 3 times a day (one of those was my lunch break though). Anyway, my employers – WHO WERE MY INLAWS didn’t like how much time time it was taking away from my desk (despite the fact that I got my work done anyway) and they wanted me to either stay late, or come in on Saturdays to make up the time I spent pumping during the week.  

I was already working from 8-5 anyway, and had to leave no later than 5:30 because Henry’s daycare closed at 6:00. Which meant that I needed to spend half my Saturday at work – away from my kid – who I then had to pump for…..the cycle was endless and it caused major tension between my inlaws and myself – still to this day.

Anyway, back to the article I posted, my MIL had the nerve to comment “I admire how strong you are about this. I wish I had your strength!”  

I saw that comment and my blood started to boil. The rage that I felt was instantaneous. How dare you say that after the absolute hell you put me though when I was trying to feed your grandson! You only think it’s admirable when it doesn’t affect you! The moment you were the slightlest bit inconvenienced you wanted me to stop because you think breastfeeding is gross and a waste of time, and that I should have just gotten over myself and formula fed.

How hypocritical can you be?

I want to delete the comment, but I know it would only cause tensions to become worse. Even though it’s been just about 4 years since I’ve stopped pumping for Henry, I’m still angry, sore, upset, and hurt over how they treated me. And situations like this don’t help me get over it any faster.

Month 10

Dear Benjamin,
You are ten months old! A lot has happened in the last month, and I am overjoyed at how much you’re growing and developing!

You’re now mobile! You have the most adorable army crawl where you use your arms and toes to push yourself forward. When you want to, you can get from one end of the room to the other fairly quickly, but it’s so cute that when you get tired, and you’ll put your head down to take a rest for a moment before you continue. The downside to this army crawl is that #1 you get filthy from crawling all over the floor (which is covered in pollen from the open windows) but you also have blisters on your big toes =(  

Now that you can move, you love to spend your time exploring! It’s like everything is new again, and you just want to know what everything is. You will army crawl from the living room to the kitchen to the dining room, and back again. You love exploring your room and Henry’s room as well.  

I think one of the things you like most about being mobile is that you can now follow Henry everywhere! Where he goes, you go! It drives him a little crazy, but it’s good for him. You want to know and see everything he’s doing, and you desperately want to try to copy it. If he’s playing with legos, you want to play with legos. If Henry is running around the house, you are crawling after him. If Henry is in the bathroom, you want to know what’s behind that door. It’s adorable. I can’t wait for you to crawl on your hands and knees so you can keep up with him even more!

This new found mobility has impacted a few areas of your life though. You now really hate diaper changes. It takes you away from what you were doing, and you just find it inconvenient and upsetting. I can’t blame you, but all the wiggling just makes it take longer…You’re now also barely interested in eating, you just want to be on the floor moving. The exception to this is when you’re so tired that you’ll nurse yourself to sleep for a power nap between naps. The other night you literally face planted into my boob for a quick 30 minute nap before dinner. It was adorable. 

You’re teething right now, you’ve got two teeth next to your top front teeth that are about to come through, and it’s causing your to be miserable. You’re not sleeping well, and you’ve had a few screaming fits because it. We’re trying to keep you as comfortable as possible, but that’s a difficult job. You’re not big on cold things. We’ve given you frozen blueberries, or frozen teething rings, and you just get upset that you’re holding something cold. But you do like to chew on things. Your favorite seems to be a rubber tipped drum stick of your brothers. You’ll just got to town on that thing, and we can hear it squeaking from the other room!

This past month was also your first trip to the beach! I’d never taken a baby to the beach before so it was a new experience for both of us, we had some learning to do with sad and eye rubbing, but we learned quickly. We had such a good time! I cannot wait to take you back to the beach!

We’re still nursing, and I love every moment of it. I love all the snuggles I get from you, how I get to hold you several times a day when you’re quiet and still. I love watching you fall asleep at naps or nighttime and seeing how you little body starts to relax. I’m in no way ready to stop, and I hope that you want to keep going for a long time.  

I can’t believe how fast time is flying! You’re such an amazing little boy. Your personality is starting to come through more and more. So far I believe that you are very inquisitive, you stare at things looking like what you wnat to understand how they work. You also seem to be short tempered. You get mad so easily, but you’re also very quick to cool down. You get frustrated easily right now (there’s a lot to be frustrated by) but it also seems to motivate you – like the crawling, you get frustrated that you get tired so quickly, or can’t maneuver exactly how you want, but even though you get frustrated you work though it to solve your problem which is amazing to watch.

I love you so much my Benjamin. You’ve bought so much love, laughter and fun to my life. You mean so much to me! I can’t wait to see you continue to grow and thrive!



I think I’ve had my first case of mastitis. I noticed at work yesterday that I had a plugged duct, so I knew that I’d need to nurse Ben a little more to help get it unclogged. However, around noonish, my body was really starting to hurt. I was having major aches and pains, chills, followed by body sweats. At one point I literally had sweat running down my back and the entire underside of my hair was drenched.
I barely made it to the end of the day, but I went home and put a heating pad on my lower back, which felt really good. I tried to nurse Ben a few times on the affected side (right side), and each time it helped.  

Around dinner time, I hit a major fever. My body felt unbelievably hot, I don’t think I’ve ever felt that hot before. I skipped dinner, because I just couldn’t eat, and instead napped on the sofa with my heating pad.  

Somehow I found the strength to make it up stairs and was able to lie down. I kept oscillating between sweating profusely and freezing.    

I managed to nurse Ben for bedtime, which helped my breast feel so much better. I managed to take 3 ibuprofen, took my temp which was 103.4 and then I went and passed out in bed. 

Ben woke up a little while later, which is abnormal for him, and when he woke up, I got up to go to the bathroom, and I noticed that I had completely sweated through my clothes, as in tank top and flannel pants stuck to me. My sheets and pillow were also soaked through. My hair was completely wet and plastered to my head. Ben managed to put himself back to sleep, and I dried myself off as best I could. And, then I went back to bed.  

Ben woke up again at 12:20, and I got up to nurse him, and again I felt better afterward.  

While pumping at work today, I only got half of what I usually do out of my breast, and I noticed that I have red marks and spots that look almost like bruises. I called my midwife’s office to ask their opinion and they’re calling in a round of antibiotics for me. I’m really hoping that it starts to work soon…This shit is beyond painful.

Month 9

Dear Benjamin,
You are now 9 months old! I know I say this every month, but I am just in general shock at how quickly the time is flying by! How do I slow it down??? I really need for it to slow down! I took you to your 9 month appointment last week. You weigh 21 lbs, and are 28.5 inches long, basically, still growing like a weed.

You are taking off developmentally! You are starting to use baby sign language to communicate. We’ve been working on “more,” “all done,” and “milk.” Right now you can sign “all done,” but you haven’t been doing this 100% of the time, but you’re starting to figure it out. You’ve been signing for “milk” for a while now, and you usually do it when you’re upset.

Last night, while on the changing pad (being carefully watched by me) you rolled over from your back to your tummy! I was literally stunned! I called your dad over to watch and rolled you back to your back, and you did it again! We both smiled so big from ear to ear!  

You’re starting to pull up on things, namely me, your dad and Gram, but I hope it won’t be too much longer before you start to try on furniture. You’re still not crawling, but you’re able to get down onto your tummy easier every day.  

Because you’re still not crawling or mobile in any way, I’ve had you assessed by the infant/toddler program here in NC. You’re measuring right on track for your cognitive, social and emotional milestones, but you’re behind on your gross and fine motor skills. I’m getting all the paper work together to start you on some physical therapy to help you learn to crawl, and then to walk.

Just the other day you learned to clap! It was the cutest thing ever! You were so happy when you figured it out, and even more happy because you could see how happy I was at your achievement.

You’re still a great eater and you’re still nursing like a pro. My favorite time of day is when I’m nursing you in your room before bed. You’re so cuddly and want to snuggle with me, and I just soak it all in. You nurse to sleep every night, and if I’d let you, you would stay latched on to me all night. I have to break the latch so I can lay you down in your bed each night. You’re starting to get attached to your blanket. You want to snuggle with it each time before bed.

I love you so much my Benjamin. I wish I could put into words how much I love you and how much you mean to me. You are my life, my love and my reasons for everything. Thank you for being my sweet boy.



Infant Assessment

Ben has his assessment with the NC Infant-Toddler Program on Wednesday morning.  Even though I’ve walked down this road with Henry, I’m still nervous and anxious about the situation with Ben.  I’m worried about his limitations.  It seems like the list of things he can’t do for his age is long, and it seems like it keeps growing.

As of right now, Ben cannot:

  • Roll over from back to tummy
  • Lift his arms up over his head (we can move his arms there, but he can’t do it himself)
  • Crawl (he is 95% immobile – can can push himself backwards while on his tummy and spin around, but that’s it.  He also hasn’t discovered that he can get to places he wants like that, he seems to be doing it by accident)
  • Pull up
  • Get to a sitting position on his own.  Although, he has just learned how to get from sitting to his tummy, but it seems to be more a face plant than anything else….

This situation definitely causes me to question why Ben isn’t crawling.  I keep wondering if it’s something that J and I did – or didn’t do, or if it’s genetic since both of my boys have/had this issue.  I definitely have feelings of guilt, anxiety, stress and just an overwhelming sadness that we’re back on this road again.  I’m really wondering what the outcome of the assessment is going to be on Wednesday….

Weekly Weigh-In Thursday

  • Starting Weight: 173.8
  • Last Weigh-In:172.2 (I know it’s been more than a week)
  • Today’s Weight: 168.2
  • Total Lost so far: 5.6 lbs

I’m not sure how I did this, probably by having the flu and not eating anything for 2 days.  The good news is that my school intersession is coming up an I’ll have two weeks off to really focus on my weight loss.  Here’s my plan:

Eating wise I’m going to follow a Southbeach style diet.  Which basically means that I can have protein, dairy, limited fruits and a ton of veggies.  It’s very restrictive on carbs, or at least phase 1 is.  So, during those two weeks I’ll being phase 1 with a few modifications – those mostly being adding beans and having a glass of wine every now and then.

I’m going to follow my Chalean Extreme workouts on beachbody on demand.  I got two weeks into it and then got the flu, so I’ll pick up where I left off.  I’m also going to start walking again as well, especially since the weather is warming up and getting nicer, plus carrying a 20+ pound baby while walking is a workout in and of itself.

I’m really hoping with this renewed plan and having the time to do it all when the baby is napping etc., will really help me out.  And, even more I’m hoping that I’ll see the results on the scale.

Difficult Day at Work

I feel so overwhelmingly run down, and so emotionally exhausted.  I am giving so much of my energy and attention to work right now, and I hardly ever feel rewarded for all of my hard work.  I work with kids who are rude and disrespectful to me and my colleagues every day, multiple times a day.  Up until this week I had a kid who was a runner and would all of a sudden not want to be in class anymore, and he’s get up and start running.  Once he even made it outside before he was restrained.  Thankfully, he was sent to an alternative school where they are more equipped to handle him and his outbursts.

But, today, I had a child push me.  Push as in physically assaulted me, and this is a child that I teach multiple times a day.  I was getting kids off of the bus, and a group of kids started running from the bus to the school, so I had them stop, walk back to the bus, and walk again to the building.  Two of the kids followed directions, one did not.  The third kid started shouting at me “You can’t tell me what to do!  I don’t have to listen to you!  You’re not in charge!  I don’t have to do anything you say!”  So, I got between him and the school building, and started to herd him back to the bus with my body, because dammit if he wasn’t going to follow the rules after giving that little spiel!  And, instead of backing up like any regular kid, this kid proceeds to put both hands of me and shove me out of his way (in case you’re wondering, he’s a third grader).

I got so mad that I started shaking.  How dare he lay his hands one me!  It took every ounce of my strength and resilience to not to yell at him and make a huge scene on the front steps of the elementary school, but I so wanted to!  Instead, I march into the building, found the principal and explained what happened.  The kid was then sent home.  I do not know if he was just sent home for the day, or if he was suspended.

Most days I like my job.  Today is not one of those days.  Tomorrow I’m going to have to find a way to get past what that kid did to me today, and still be his teacher, and still be able to smile and act like I like him.  Kids don’t learn from teachers they don’t like.  I still have to be this kids teacher.  I have to keep telling myself that.  Maybe if I say it enough, I’ll actually be able to do it….